Beard of Mashed Potatoes

Pigs in a Sling Part IX

2008-08-10T19:53:00.003-04:00

Suddenyl while Emma dived underneath the stoel bridge she nodded and succumbed to the ravenous hungry beasts that were brought to her when she fed from the nottal being inside the druginduced weather abllon of soceties notrmas during the outbreak of sudden transformation under the rul eo f brigasdoon and from there we traveled fby sghip to the darkest of mons under the disguise of a rabid dog.
At that same moent in time, ther was a ongin from above that one us mayvbe Grace should serve the ruling class with mashed potatoes anmd grim desitres that were bold but notetheless nonetheless hunfry for trances set iup on the witrches of another dimension.
Bill wondered if he'd ever get out of his meeting and if so, what Shelly would have waiting for him at home on the dinner table.

Greensleeves 2008

2008-08-10T19:47:00.002-04:00

Rabid dogs
And euro clogs
And ice cream lapped from a 'tainer

Coffee beans
And lima dreams
And Rogers and Hammerstein saviors

Delilah smiled
And Nadia dialed
A cross made of wimpers and mayo

Fedorah hats
And vampire bats
And logic that came from a stable

Beluga whales
And puppy dog tails
And Grimace from McDonald's

Begonias bloom
In my back room
While Leave it to Beaver goes crazy

Stay put my dear
And do stand clear
I've got me a socket and cleaver

Humongous laughs
And bubble baths
And froggies with inner ear 'fections

Sandra Dee
Tommy Lee
Billy Dee Williams

Silly Junior

2008-08-10T19:37:00.002-04:00

I bought two tickets to the rodeo
I took my sister and my mother too
We had a good time watching the cattle
We met a guy named Joe

Joe owned a horse
The horse was named Silly
We bought the horse for 5000 dollars

I took the horse home and made him my best friend
I had a horse named Silly

Silly was the best horse I knew
We'd ride around the old stables
Then one day I had to go away on business
So I left Silly to my mother

When I came back home
Silly was lame
I had to put him away
Then we had horse stew for about 15 days
And I cried myself to sleep

Oh Silly was my favorite horse
I loved him dearly oh yes
Oh Silly was the greatest horse
I loved him til the end

The moral of this crazy story:
Never leave a horse to your mother
She will screw up and your horse will die
You'll be sad for 15 days

Oh Silly, Silly
When he was alive
He gave birth to another
Silly, he made a fawn
We named him Silly Junior

Oh Silly Junior
He's just a calf
We're raising him to be fast, yeah
We'll take him to the track
One day he'll be big
And I'll make all my money from him

Oh Silly Junior
He's my favorite
His dad got killed by my roof
Silly...
(it's...it's the junior Silly and we love the lyrics)

Train Song

2008-08-10T19:32:00.002-04:00

Wooo woooooooo
Wooo woooooooo

Steven told me the train keep rollin' all night
Told me it's gonna work out every time
And I trust him when it comes to matters of science
I know that he would never lie

Wooo woooooooo
Wooo woooooooo

Gary told me to wear a hat on my forehead
When I'm speeding down the 49
Heading to Frisco, gonna get some gold there
I hope that I'm the first one it's alright

Wooo woooooooo
Wooo woooooooo

Breakup Song

2008-08-05T08:28:00.003-04:00

My heart is in my body
My chest and ribs protect it
My diaphragm is the lower border 'tween my heart and the majority of my gastrointestinal tract

But you didn't care
You ripped my heart out
By first making an incision in my skin and then using a saw to cut my breastbone

My heart is on a table
In a container full of ice
The doctors plan on putting it back in once they remove the lichen-covered rock you put in my chest cavity in place of my heart before sewing the incision back up with the skill of a surgeon

Oh you didn't care
You ripped my heart out
You held it in front of me and squeezed it until blood squirted all over your Arcade Fire t-shirt, you sicko

My heart is back in my body
Some plastic and metal parts protect it
My diaphragm consists of biodegradable rubber manufactured in a lab in Seoul, Korea

Sailing

2008-08-05T08:24:00.002-04:00

Sailing
Sailing to
Sailing to Nebraska
Sailing to Nebraska on a ship made of golden eggshells
Sailing to Naboo with R2D2 on a ship made of superglued sea-glass.
Sailing to Nicaragua with Alex P. Keaton on a golden seagull made of gargantuan mercury-laden anchovies
Sailing to Dayton, Ohio
Sailing to Mom's house
Sailing

The Matrix IV: Return of the Jedi King Arthur

2008-02-23T19:02:00.003-05:00

Boldy fighting the bad guys from Neptune
That materialized in the wake of the Jedi fertility movement
1992 was the same year I wrote the original Matrix movie
On a napkin in a Chili's in Amarillo with a lightsaber pen

Song for Girl in a Land Mine

2007-10-19T17:41:00.000-04:00

capo 3

verse 1
C G F C
Through the sweat and the toil and the aardvarks
Stood a lady of twenty six years
C G F C
She complained of the musk of the orphanage
As she wordlessly wiped up her tears

G F C
Said she wanted to be a magician
But her daddy had plans for her soul

C G F C
So she worked and she toiled in the land mines
Til the bones of her ribcage did show

verse 2
C G F C
He was off on a sly expedition
Counting aardvarks in twenty three states
C G F C
When he learned of a damsel in danger
He remembered William Butler Yeats

G F C
"And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"

C G F C
So he shaved off his moustache and goatee
And descended to her morbid throne

Bridge
C G F C
And they drank drank drank to love's brave company
C G F C
And they stank stank stank of bitter memories
C G F C
And they crank crank cranked the wheels of poverty
C G F C
Till it sank sank sank into the raging sea

Scary Giant Fox Man

2007-10-18T18:02:00.000-04:00

We came from the west end
We traveled to the east
We skinned a couple of rabbits
In preparation for the beast

His hands were gnarled and curvy
His head was full of sand
He was the scariest giant fox
In all of this here land
In all of this here land

Scary Giant Fox Man!
Dressed up in his best
A coat made of a boat sail
An assembly line strapped to his chest

Scary Giant Fox Man!
Your hands are real real big
I lived inside your closed fist
With Earl the giant pig

Scary Giant Fox Man!
I saw you on TV
When you and Maury Povich
Found out the father of your giant baby!!!

Doody Prince

2007-10-14T10:58:00.000-04:00

Bald men are malicious
Weird dudes are pernicious
What rhymes with orange?
my cousin Gil Florange

Doody Prince
Doody Prince
Doody Prince

Seeds of Coronado

2007-10-14T10:52:00.000-04:00

The seeds of Coronado fell steeply down the hill
And there they lay near Juniper under the windowsill
Of Ma and Pa Grenada, who swiftly looked away
They'd not seen seeds since '48 that didn't choose to stay

But stay they did, their roots seeped deep
Towards rock and cave and earth
And grew into a mighty tree of wide unending girth
The house that stood near Juniper was lifted to the sky
And Ma and Pa lived out their life up in the clouds so high

The Tale of the Ancient Coral Reef

2007-10-12T14:15:00.000-04:00

In the early years when I was so young
I knew a skipper named Sharif
We sailed the mighty Chesapeake
In search of a coral reef

We sailed into the Bible Belt
We sailed into Chicago
We sailed into the Grand Canyon
And there we stayed til Christmas

When a snowstorm came and wiped us out
Left nary a good man standing
'Cept me, Sharif, and Uncle Ben
To fight against the snow goons

So we fought with vengeance and fought with glee
We fought with tiny swords of silver
We toasted with wine and pleasantries
We ate for several hours

And Uncle Ben came up to me
And asked for my permission
To take the place of old Sharif
Before he goes to prison

And when I was close to saying yes
A dolphin grazed my shoulder
I saw that we were stranded indeed
On a coral reef in the Chesapeake

A coral reef in the Chesapeake
An oral brief in my chest so deep
An orange tree on a hill so bleak
An obelisk with a number three
A socket wrench and a guy named Li
A thunderbird and a drop of tea
Magnanimous is the Earl of Bree
Who accepted my apology
And cut off his head with a pair of twee(zers)
On that fateful day in Octobery
When I resigned as a ship's lonnie

Auto Mechanic Magician Surgeon

2007-10-12T14:06:00.000-04:00

I used the right side of my brain, to mend the left side of your heart
I used a small piece of your leg, to make your lips look like a whale
I used to be an auto mechanic, until I got real sma-a-a-a-a-a-art!!!

You, you were an ugly girl
I was a skilled magician
A doctor of magical surgery
In the hospital of life

You, you are a gorgeous model
I make a million bucks a year
Let's live together in California
And adopt a couple of kids

But I got a sad letter from the medical board
It said I wasn't fit
I went back to fixing carburators
You met another dude named Adam

Find me another magician slash model
Couple that looked so good
Together and I'll steal you a Porsche from my shop

In-a-gadda-da Vinci

2007-10-12T09:37:00.000-04:00

In-a-gadda-da Vinci code, man
In-a-gobbledy gee
Snorting lines with the Mona Lisa
Up in gay Pari(s)

Boticelli's my homie, word up
He did "The Birth of Venus"
You could say it's a masterpiece, y'all
Next to da Vinci's penis

In-a-gadda-da Vinci code, man
In-a-gobbledy gee
Busting into the Louvre, late-night
With my guide Rick Steve

I went to check out the Sistine Chapel
I heard it was off the hook
But the ceiling was mediocre
Not like described in that book...

You know what I'm talking about!

In-a-gadda-da Vinci code, man
In-a-gobbledy gee
Dan Brown must be a billionaire now
Too bad for Mary Magdalene

School Days

2007-10-12T09:29:00.000-04:00

Got a spaceship made of mustard
That I built all by myself
But then I couldn't get it off the ground that day
When your father came around

You were hiding from your sister
When I took the SATs
When she found you in the cupboard
You were polishing your knees

I'm a saxophone in outer space
I'm a lumpy maitre'de
Down and out in San Antonio
Is the best they did for me

Now I'm cooking lots of parrots
And I'm finishing my degree
On an eighty hour workweek
When I learned to waterski

Fifty eight minutes to Kojak
Better deal with my old man
'Cause the cable box is on the fritz
And the door's stuck on the can

We don't need to go to high school
We don't need to get a job
All we need is educa-ti-on
And a hitman from the mob

Skin of Our Teeth

2007-10-11T11:33:00.000-04:00

April skies were looking pretty bleak
We sat watching hanggliders down beside the creek
Green and gold and scarlet red, the colors of the stream
Silence of the Lambs made me scream

We got by by the skin of our teeth
We just had a New York week
We use words with double e's
you might think we're crazee
you might think we're weerd

Baltimore is not my fave
But it's close to my friend Dave
He adopted three chipmunks
They behave like rotten punks

We got by by the skin of our teeth
We just watched What Lies Beneath
Harrison Ford is a scary freak
We all think he's crazee
We all think he's weerd

Beard of Mashed Potatoes

2007-10-11T11:21:00.000-04:00

verse:
I like Monkeys and I like Chimps
I like all you can eat shrimps
But anything below my nose
Must be a beard of mashed potatoes

chorus:
I look forward to puberty
I hope it will set me free
Pretty soon it will happen to me
You just wait and see

verse:
Julie is a stellar chick
She can make anything stick
On her body and 'tween her toes
Even a beard of mashed potatoes

chorus:
I look forward to puberty
I hope it will set me free
Pretty soon it will happen to me
You just wait and see

bridge:
cook the potatoes
mash them up real good
smear them over my chin and cheeks
beard of mashed potatoes
beard of mashed potatoes

chorus:
I look forward to puberty
I hope it will set me free
Pretty soon it will happen to me
You just wait and see